


I Can't Speak

by WishIHadWings



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Ian's thoughts in that last scene of 5x06, Inner Dialogue, M/M, spoiler warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 06:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3370913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishIHadWings/pseuds/WishIHadWings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inner Dialogue of Ian Gallagher in the heartbreaking scene of 5x06.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Speak

I pressed my pen to paper.

 _What am I doing?_ I asked myself, feeling the aching presence of my family, Yevgeny,  _my_ Yevgeny and Mickey,  _my_ Mickey.

I turned to see him and saw that look in his face, nodding to say go on, I had no choice. I had to do this.

Because I love him

Of course I fucking love him, how could I not? But how could he  _want_ me after this?

I took Svetlana’s baby, his baby,  _our_ baby.

I fucked up, I’m so fucked up.

Fiona and Lip stood by me, everyone else silent. I pressed my pen to paper now, scrawling my name.

 _I’m messed up_  I’d think  _I’m not messed up_  I’d think again  _I’m not fucking Monica_ I’d think once more.

My throat grew dry and tight and I knew I wouldn’t be able to say a word, not to Fiona, not to Debbie, not to Lip, Carl, Yev, and especially not Mickey.

God, I’m so sorry.

I dropped the pen, ink bleeding into the paper.

I didn’t want to look at my siblings, they probably thought I was messed up. Yev, on the other hand, would think I was sane. 

My bones ached at the agony as I bent down to kiss his cheek, my sister’s eyes apologetic as I met with them. I couldn’t speak, but Yev had to know I was sorry.

I was so  _fucking_  sorry.

I hadn’t felt intimidated by Mickey in so long, but turning to see him made my bones ache more, I wanted to say ‘sorry’ or ‘I love you’

I had to say  _something_

But I couldn’t, I couldn’t, so I kept walking.

_Pathetic, I’m Pathetic._

I had never felt so damn shit in a long time, I wasn’t just aching or tired, it was so much worse than that.

Fiona’s reassuring hand on my back was something I should be thankful for, but the grip of a rougher hand sent sparks down my spine, I was ready to crack.

I gripped onto Mickey, sorry and scared. I was terrified.  _I’m doing this for my family_  I thought  _I’m doing this for him_.

I hoped it was enough.

The quiver of the man I love’s voice echoed through my head, his fingers gripped my nape, tracing my hair, up and down like I was his air, like to say it’d be okay, that he forgave me and that he loved me too. I pushed my face into his shoulder, breathing him in only the slightest to let out a tear.

 _I love you_  I wanted to tell him  _I love you and I am so fucking sorry_

But nothing…nothing could leave my lips

_I am a wreck_

_I am Monica_

We pulled away, I didn’t want to let my hand leave the small of his back.

I didn’t want his hand to leave the nape of my neck

“Can I go in with him?” he shook

_Please_

“No, I’m sorry”

Then there was that ache again

He pressed a firm kiss to my chest, making the ache so much clearer as my feet shuffled before my mind

But this time I was aware of it

And the sound of that gate locking behind me had made my heart officially stop, I was broken.

_Everything about me is broken._

I turned around to look at my family,  _my_  Mickey on the other side. All behind a barrier.

A small smile from his lips was all I needed to keep me going. That I’d be okay.

And my smile back was to let him know that I  _would_  be okay. He had to know that, too.

I looked away from them, staring at my feet scuffing away, the woman saying something that was inaudible to me. All I had was white noise in my head.

The quiver of my lover’s voice

The way he held me, how his kiss pressed into my chest

And that reassuring smile that this is the right choice.

Worst part was how now the aching somehow turned ghostly.

And that ghost was me, missing him.

I already missed him

I missed him so fucking much

 _It’s only 72 hours_ I reminded myself now

_That’s not long at all._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I'm still an emotional mess haha. Let me know what you thought! x
> 
> ivegotamagicpenis.tumblr.com


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